reason 5

A few friends and I met at a local bar to watch the SU game. About a quarter of the way through my FIRST beer, a friend and I went to have a cigarette. I make it through my first one, and since I was feeling eager and unsatisfied, I light another. Bad idea. As my friend is explaining the premise of his screenplay, I start to feel dizzy. I should tell him, I thought. However, I only had this thought and didn't actually act upon it. What, you ask, did I do instead? Oh, it was much better. I fainted. That's right, I was THAT girl passed out on the sidewalk at 6:30 in the afternoon. And don't think I'm trying to copy the likes of early Paris Hilton or pre-rehab Lindsay. I was much more glamorous about it; mostly because the sun was still out and my sunglasses flew off my face.

The next thing I remember I heard someone calling my name, but could only see black. At this point not only did I think I was blind, I was really confused because I thought "How is this empty black mass calling my name and what the fuck does it want from me?" When I woke up, my friend informed me that I had in fact not gone blind but just fainted (duh, silly!) Although, he did think I was having a seizure because apparently my lips were moving while I was passed out. We were both very confused as to what was going on.

Now, many things may have caused me to faint. Most notably, the fact that I am hypoglycemic (and borderline diabetic) and hadn't eaten since noon. That would make sense, since I've fainted before for that reason. But I'm going to blame it, as Kerry drunkenly did, on my cigarettes. It's actually the fault of the slow burning American Spirits I smoke which left me in the hot sun, dehydrated and sucking on they're long lasting, all-natural, no additives goodness.

In other words, reason #5 to quit smoking is to avoid utter embarrassment. Sure, it's cute when you faint, but not when you faint and then appear to mumble tongues in a state of coma. In front of a boy. That's just sloppy. Uh, FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.

reason 4

On Tuesday I ended up in the ER for my back. I am stricken with "chronic back pain." That is what I've been told since I was 15. From my first visit to the hospital for my back going out, I have always received a shot in my back to relieve the pain. On Tuesday, this is not how the hospital handled my situation. Instead of giving me the shot I asked for, I was given a shot of a muscle relaxer, a pill that knocked me on my ass (Kerry thinks it was morphine, I could only hope,) two prescriptions for muscle relaxers and a prescription for a painkiller. Needless to say, since then I have been at home lying on my back, on the floor with my sunglasses on in a mindless daze (because my medicine not only makes my eyes light sensitive but also stupefies my mind beyond oblivion.) Bored with TV and out of books to read I have spent most of this time pondering why God has done this to me. I have but one activity that I do during the day; getting off the floor and faltering to the balcony for a cigarette. This is my life.

The doctor said on Saturday I should be feeling much better. Let's hope I can trust them as much as the Urban Outfitters T-shirt leads me to believe.

reason 3

#3
I went outside to have a cigarette and was talking to a woman from the HR department. I clearly wasn't paying attention to what I was doing because when I ashed it landed on my leg. I didn't feel anything burn, so I just brushed it off of the tights. This revealed a tragedy. A loss in my wardrobe and closet. My only pair of plain, black, opaque tights were ruined. They were my favorite (and subsequently my least favorite because they were my only pair.) There, under the ash I brushed off was a hole. I burnt a cigarette hole in my own motherfucking tights. FML

reasons for quitting

So in light of recent events aka me starting to smoke cigarettes again, there has been a very serious push to get me to stop from friends and family. They have gone so far as to try to "scare me sober." I have however two other very serious reasons for quitting.

Yesterday I went outside for a cigarette break. In the lobby on my way down, there were approximately a dozen tween skate boys sitting there. Clearly, a casting call. I make my way outside and while I'm trying to lite my cigarette, six of the preteen blonde surfer boys that were sitting inside come outside. Now, I don't like to be bothered when I'm having my cigarette. It's alone time. But I don't mind these boys standing on the other side of the pillar until what happened next. They began to harmonize. Before I knew it the little Ryan Scheckler's were singing "If I ever fall in Love" by Shai. Right behind me. All I was trying to do was enjoy my cigarette. Now, if I'm going to be harassed or serenaded by 11-13 year-old boys each time I have a cigarette, that is definitely a reason to quit. Furthermore, the first verse of that song says "But I was caught up in physical attraction..." Um, hello, you're like 12 years-old, do you even know what physical attraction is you prepubescent child?

The second reason is easily explained by the following conversation.

Kerry: How many packs do you smoke a week?
Me: One
Kerry: How much do they cost?
Me: About $5
Kerry: So that's $20 a month you could be spending on alcohol.

FAIL.